The Death Note of Haruhi Suzumiya
by rick777
Summary: In a High School, Yagami Light, also known as "Kyon", finds the Death Note, but it ends up on the hands of Suzumiya Haruhi, who uses it to prove that Espers, Aliens and Time travelers exist. Hilarity ensues.
1. Chapter 1

The Death Note of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Rick

[ Shinigami world ]

What? Two skulls?  
- Boss! I win again!  
- Hey Ryuk, come play!  
- No, thanks, I pass.

[ Human world ]

There I was, tired of this boring world.  
"Yagami-kun?"  
"Yes, teacher?"  
"Could you translate this last part for me?"

I have no trouble in translating that part. In fact, I am the #1 student in this school. I'm lucky I studied this part in advance yesterday night, so I'll just read it aloud -

"You should follow the teachings of the gods", said a loud and annoying voice. I quickly turned around, indignated that she stole my place at giving a nice impression to the professor. That hyperactive girl who, of all places, had to sit right behind me to annoy the crap out of me. Why?

"You should follow the teachings of the gods. If you do, the sea will stay calm, and the storm shall not arrive".  
"Well done, Suzumiya-kun. Yagami-kun, you better pay more attention, you seem distracted today."  
"Yes, professor."

I sighed, without knowing Haruhi would grab me by the hair and make my skull crash with her desk for the nth time.  
"Hey, Kyon. You heard him, you better pay more attention!"  
Kyon. Who gave me that stupid nickname? You know who. Argh, my name is Light! Yagami Light! If I only had some way to get rid of her...

The next day went pretty normal. I still resented the numerous times that Haruhi humilliated me in front of the professors. But behold! As if the Gods heard my cries,I saw a black notebook falling down from the sky. I couldn't believe my eyes. Was that real?  
*THUD*  
AGH, not again!  
"Hey, Kyon!", she whispered. "Did you see that?"  
"We're in class, Haruhi", I whispered with a menacing gaze. "Just shut up, will ya?"  
Haruhi let me continue the class. After classes finished and everybody stood up, she grabbed my by the shoulder. "Did you see, Kyon? Did you see?"  
"See what?", I whispered back.  
"That notebook!", she said. "It came right from the sky!"  
"Don't be silly. Do you really expect that some alien let it fall down just like that? Besides, don't aliens do much more interesting stuff, like making crop circles? It's more probable that some prankster attached that notebook to a balloon and then let it fall."  
"Hmmm", she answered. "maybe you're right... but I'm still not sure..."  
"Look, think for a moment about your espers and aliens and time travelers. They wouldn't be so stupid to let their whatever manual fall from the sky in front of everyone, don't you think? As I said, it's probably a prank - and not only that, but it most probably belongs to a first grade student who got bullied by some idiot who played with it and then threw it from the top floor. So a gust of wind caught it, and finally it fell down. It's perfectly logical".

The girl sighed in defeat.

It never fails! The only thing that can beat this lunatic is some hard cold logic. Just give her enough arguments, and she'll have no choice but shut up.

Finally, some rest from that idiot.

But something in that notebook called my attention. If it had been thrown by a prankster, it would have described a parabolic curve. And there was no wind at all, so how come it could have fallen from so high? Well, maybe it was the work of a prankster after all. Just to satisfy my curiosity, I went to find that notebook and picked it up.

"Death Note...?"

I turned the page and found something written in white letters behind the cover, in plain English.

"How to use."  
"The humans whose names are written in this note will die."

"Ridiculous." I closed the notebook and carefully put it down right where it fell.  
"How stupid. And if that thing were true... this is worse than those chain letters. The person whose name is written dies... how idiotic."

But then I stopped, and looked behind. Was I really considering picking that up?

Yes, I actually went back and picked it up. And then, another hand grabbed it. Suzumiya Haruhi.  
"I guess it wasn't a prank as you told me, right?", she asked. "You were kind to leave it for me, but why did you come back?"  
I laughed. "Yes, it was a prank after all. Just read it. DEATH NOTE. Anyone whose name is written on it will die. Do you actually plan to believe that shit? Give me a break."  
I gave the notebook to Haruhi, and decided to just forget about it. If it was true, I only hoped she didn't write my name on it. Wait a second, am I truly believing that thing's real? No, what I should hope is that Suzumiya's madness isn't contagious.

After I got home, my mom told me someone called me. "It's your friend, Haruhi."  
I put my palm on my forehead. "For the nth time, mom... she is NOT MY FRIEND!"  
"Well, she told me it was urgent. At least you could do her some favor, right?"  
I sighed. "Alright, alright... I'll be in my room."  
"She left me her number, just in case you threw it away."  
"As I WILL with this one, too!"

I shut the door. Why did she have to pick ME up? Of all humans in the world? Do I have a hint of being a time traveler or an esper, or Santa Claus? But logic is not in the dictionary of that spoiled brat.

I called her number...

"Hey, KYON! Please open your messenger! This is important!"  
"Couldn't you just send me an e-mail?"  
"No. Oh - turn the encryption on, I don't want anyone to see this."  
Neither do I. I just don't want to have anything to do with her.  
"Ok, I will... is that all?"  
"Yes! HURRY UP!"  
"You're not my boss!"  
"Aw, just shut up already!" she said, and hung up.  
Me? Shut up? She's the one who keeps talking! Why should *I* shut up? Ok, I'll turn on the PC. Hmmm now that I'm thinking, I think I'll e-mail my dad - you see, he's the chief of the police - and ask him if Suzumiya's parents have criminal records or something. Who knows, they might have tried poisoning her and she got brain damage.

[Connecting...]  
[off-the-record connection request from Suzumiya Haruhi. Accept?]  
Why am I doing this?  
[Yes]

Haruhi: Hey, Kyon! Check this out!  
Haruhi then began copying some text that she said she read in the Death Note.  
Haruhi: This note won't have any effect if the one who writes it does not think in the face of the subject when writing it. This way, the people who have the same name will not be affected.  
Haruhi: If the cause of death is written in a period less than 40 seconds after writing the name, it will happen that way. If the cause of death is not specified, the person will simply die from a heart attack.  
Haruhi: After writing the cause of death, the deatils of the death must be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds.  
For some reason I began getting interested in this Death Note.  
Me: So, you can kill them without pain, or make them suffer... it's impressive that someone has put enough effort into this prank...  
Haruhi: So you STILL believe it's not real?  
Me: Of course I do!  
Haruhi: Fine! I'll write your name in the death note and you'll see.  
Me: Just try it... but if I die, the evidence is in my bedroom. Unless you take the time to write all the places where I will be copying this text.  
Haruhi: DON'T YOU DARE!  
Me: Alright, so just forget about it. Besides, if it's real, don't you think that note should be just burned down so that it's not found by someone as crazy as you and starts murdering people left and right?  
Haruhi: Aw, shut up. I don't even know why I insist on telling you about this.  
Me: Wow. Finally you're beginning to understand my feelings!  
[Connection closed]

"Idiot."

I lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling for a while. Then I began thinking about it... what if Haruhi wants to actually test this thing? Probably she'll be scanning the TV to search for a criminal to kill right now.

And then she'll be wondering if that will turn her into a murderer. Heh, as if it really had to happen.

I turned on the TV, and a live news report was on.

"The man who indiscriminately wounded and killed 6 people yesterday in Shinjuku still keeps hiding in the nursery of this school, with 8 hostages included young children. The Metropolitan Police has determinated the identity of that man as Kuro Otoharada, 42 and unemployed. Right now they're trying to negotiate with him."

Hmmm... now that's a name and a face to use with the Death Note. Knowing Haruhi, she'll be writing down the name RIGHT NOW.

40 seconds for a heart attack... 6 minutes and 40 seconds for an alternate death. I turned on my chronometer.

The news report gave no new information... and 7 minutes 20 seconds to complete the alternate death. Finally I'll have something to humilliate Haruhi after nothing happens.

3... 2... 1... "See? Nothing happened", I said to myself as if talking with Haruhi. But then something unexpected happened on the TV.

"Wait a minute... something's happening...", said the reporter. "The perpetrator has agreed to give up! He wants to write some strange signs on the school soccer field with a chalk machine, and send a message to the stars!"

What on Earth is going on in here...?

"As we can see, this man has probably gone crazy. But the police are letting him do that, while keeping an eye on him. Wait, he's making the people from school draw the signs for him."

I still couldn't understand... was this a coincidence?

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING

"KYON! KYON! TURN ON THE TV!"  
"I'm watching!"  
"That man... he's doing EXACTLY WHAT -"  
Not wanting to find out the truth - nor accepting the consequences of it -, I said:  
"Haruhi, for your own sake, SHUT UP!", and hung up.

Sheesh. If it's real, can you imagine her telling on an open telephone line that she had actually planned that man to do that? Hey, that wouldn't be so bad...

"High school girl arrested for complicity in the kidnapping events of yesterday." Hmm... wait a second. Does this mean that... the Death Note COULD be real?

As the hostages finished drawing the signs for him, the man stood in the middle of the field.  
"I'm here!" he shouted.

And followed by that, a wide purple laser beam came down from the sky and incinerated the man in an instant.

I opened my mouth and eyes in shock. Just... how did that...

"I can't believe it... the Death Note's real!"

(Meanwhile, in Haruhi's appartment...)

"The Death Note is real... and... what's more...  
I knew it!", she said, with sparkles in her eyes. "Aliens are real!"

(To be continued...) 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2.

The next day, I arrived to school early. I just wanted to know what happened to the Death Note and what Haruhi  
thought about that. As I suspected, she was there.

"Kyon! You're late!"  
Late? I arrived early! Did the Death Note set yet another screw loose on Suzumiya's head?  
"What are you talking about, I came early because I have things to do", I answered confidently.  
"No, you're late to OUR meeting! I've been here since half an hour ago. Your trait."  
"My what?" What meeting?  
"If you arrive late, you're supposed to-"  
Just before this walking Blue Screen of Death decided to give me yet another problem, I diverted her attention to what really interested her.  
"It's about what happened on TV yesterday, right?"  
"Yes!! Did you see that light beam coming down from the sky?"  
I was about to answer when she added:  
"Before I got to school, I bought a newspaper. Do you see what's in here?"  
"Alright, let me see". I really hoped the world didn't make a fuzz about it. Otherwise we'll be filled with UFO searchers, paranormal researchers and what not. I just wanted a world without so many criminals making everyone's life miserable.  
"Let's see... crazy man sets himself on fire after drawing a message on the school soccer field..."  
"That can't be right..." I said, thinking about the weird messages that I watched on TV yesterday.  
"EXACTLY! Someone's playing with us! They're covering everything up! And when I talked to some friends about it, guess what. They did NOT remember that purble beam!"  
I must be going crazy. Is Suzumiya's madness contagious? It's probable that she drugged me or something. Who knows, maybe her body segregates LSD instead of pherormones. That would explain a lot of things. But... what if this was just a practical joke from Suzumiya?  
"I'm not sure about this... maybe I'll watch the news later on TV" I replied.  
"Exactly. This is why I brought this."  
"What is this?" I said. "Junk food?"  
"I'll explain to you once we get to the Literature Club room. A girl in there gave me permission to use the room for a while."  
"Wait, what"  
Before I could utter any objections, she grabbed me by the arm and literally dragged me there. Just wait, Just wait until I get the Death Note. Can you figure out which name will be the first one that I write on it?  
You're right. Suzumiya Haruhi. And you can be sure I will not forget that hideous face. Wait a minute... would that turn me into a murderer?

"We're here, Kyon!"  
We arrived to the Literature Club room, where a quiet girl in glasses was reading a book. Ah, if only Suzumiya were that quiet...

Haruhi opened the potato chips bag, revealing a tiny LCD TV.  
"Couldn't you have just brought that TV without putting it inside?"  
"And have the school confiscate it for some stupid reason? No way!"  
I began massaging my eyebrows with my left hand. Sigh. Just where does this woman get her ideas from?

Haruhi turned on the TV, and tuned the morning news. I looked at the warranty seal just to make sure Haruhi didn't tamper with it.  
"Kyon, you idiot. The news are on the front of the TV, not the back!"  
"I was just making sure you weren't playing a prank on me... OK, let's see the news."

"Yesterday, around 6:30PM, Kuro Otoharada, 42 and unemployed, took 8 hostages in an elementary school, before  
painting some letters with a chalk machine on the school soccer field. The message said "I am here". Afterwards, the man set himself on fire."

Wait a sec - set himself on fire? Is that what the TV news said?

"See, Kyon? It's a cover up! They probably altered the video!"  
"So, do you have the original?"  
"I was too excited about this that I forgot to record the original."  
"Oh well, too bad. The evidence is gone."  
After saying that, with a daring gaze, I took a potato chip, and ate it!  
"I'm sure someone must have recorded the original. I AM SURE! I will not leave the school until I ask everyone about it."

Then I suddenly remembered what I was here for in the first place.  
"Wait, Haruhi. What about the note?" (Saying "Death Note" in front of a witness would be too risky if the Death Note actually was real. I didn't want to be tainted with any kind of evidence)  
"What note?" asked Haruhi.  
"Oh", I said, smirking. "I get it now." She was smart too, so I had to take her away from any witnesses. And that girl in glasses may appear to be reading a book, but I'm sure she was paying attention to us. In fact, I felt as if she had been looking at us all the time. She gave me the creeps.

So I took Haruhi out of the Literature Club room, and whispered. "You know what I'm talking about. The notebook that fell down from the sky and you were so crazy about it."  
"Kyon", she said, worried. "Are you feeling alright?" she asked, touching my forehead with her hand. "Strange, you don't have fever..."  
"Just give me the notebook, will ya?"  
"I don't know what you're talking about."  
"Let me see your handbag. A black notebook with white english words on its cover, and the cover said 'Death Note' with big letters".  
"I haven't seen a notebook like that. And I didn't watch anything fall from the sky earlier. Kyon, if you saw a notebook fall from the sky, you should've told me! These things are important!! Who knows if it's a message from the outer space!!??"  
She... she doesn't actually remember? What is this, some kind of joke? What's going on in here?  
"Look, Kyon, I don't have that 'Death Note' or whatever it's called. But just to please you I'll show you my schoolbag."  
"Fine."

I opened her schoolbag, and didn't find the Death Note. Instead I found several books about UFOs, aliens, espers and time travelers.

Either this girl is fooling around with me, or... maybe... JUST maybe... something happened that altered everyone's memory - including her. But to follow Occam's Razor, I'll just assume she still got it. Maybe I'll break into her house and see if she got it hidden. Ah, whatever. Knowing her, she probably hid it inside an ancient teapot below some boulder in a mountain. And maybe it's better this way.

"Whatever... I'll go to classes now."

On the lunch break, I went to the cafeteria to eat my lunch, when I stumbled upon some friends (the kind of friends that keep asking you to help them with their homework). Taniguchi and Kunikida. "Light!"

Ah, how relieving is hearing that word. My own name... after hearing "Kyon" so many times, finally I got to hear someone respect me. Hmmm... maybe this is the reason I still hang out with these losers. At least they respect me.

"Have you heard the rumours?" asked Taniguchi.  
"What rumours?"  
"That Suzumiya has finally really lost it."  
"What do you mean?"  
"She keeps telling everyone in the school that the man who set himself on fire was actually struck down by an alien beam from a spaceship. Can you believe that?"  
I raised my eyebrow. I saw that beam... so he actually doesn't believe it? Wait, what date is this? No, it's not April 1st. Is this a conspiracy or something?  
"Nobody dares to laugh at Haruhi. Light, did you see her taking drugs or something?"  
"No, and believe me, if I had seen her, I would have taped it and sent the tape to the police right away. That woman's a menace to the entire school."  
"Well", said Kunikida, "see ya."

This is strange. No matter how you look at it, Haruhi and I are the only ones who saw that beam. AND the strange signs on the soccer field. Maybe it's time to ask my father about it. I'm sure he can trust me with government conspiracies.

After eating my lunch and returning to class, Suzumiya was there waiting for me.  
"Kyon! I can't believe this!"  
"What?"  
"NOBODY remembers seeing that beam!"  
"Haruhi", I said, "are you sure it wasn't just some kind of interference with our TV receptors? Maybe someone fooled with them, or they were defective, or some internal part was in the same defective batch, who knows? For all we know it could be the effect of a gravitational wave coming from some distant star and our TVs were in a sensitive spot."  
"Well, what about the weird signs then?"  
Hey, that gives me an idea. I'll just pretend I saw nothing and see her reaction.  
"Signs?" I asked. "All I saw on the TV was standard japanese text on that soccer field."  
"Are you sure?" she asked.  
"It was probably just your imagination."  
"I'm not so sure..."  
"Well, consider it this way. Let's JUST SUPPOSE that aliens were real, and that this man did indeed write the weird signs you said. AND that he was struck down with a laser beam. Don't you think the news would provoke a mass histeria that would drive this world to chaos?"  
"Um..."  
"Just call it a day.", I finished, just before the teacher arrived.

Finally I could rest from this madness.

... or so I thought.

When classes finished, I came home and decided to rest on my bed for a while. After dinner, I sat down on my chair and was about to turn on the lamp to do some studying. But then, a horrible winged thing appeared near the corner of my room. Something so horrible that only Edgar Allan Poe could describe correctly. At the same time, some lightning flashed from the window.

*Rumble*

"AAH!" I screamed, as I fell from my chair.

It was horrible. It was wearing goth clothes and it had crow-like wings. Its claws resembled some sci-fi movie monster. And its white face, with toad-like yellow eyes with cotton red pupils...  
Cotton? Wait a second.

"Is that a plush costume?"  
"Affirmative. To be exact, it is a Shinigami cosume." The monster took off that costume to reveal a beautiful intellectual girl.  
"...you! The girl from the Literature Club!"

"Light, are you OK? I heard a scream!"  
"I'm... OK, I just fell from my chair, nothing serious."  
But my mother opened the door. Just when I wondered how to explain about this girl in plush costume, my mother said:  
"Light, you can't work without good lighting", she said, after turning on the lights. She then closed the door, and I immediately turned around. Either she assumed that I had a secret sex life and decided to ignore it, or she didn't see the girl.  
"Wait, she didn't see you?"  
"Correct. Before entering this space, I activated a soundproof photon barrier around myself. In other words, I am currently invisible and silent to anyone but you."  
"Wait a second, how can you do that? Who are you, and how did you arrive to my room?"  
"The barrier is a resident program that modified the data surrounding me to let sound and lightwaves pass around me without being disturbed. In science fiction terms, it is a cloaking device. As for my Identity: I am a humanoid interface created by the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. An alien humanoid, if you prefer."

"....say that again?"  
The girl kept staring me with her black pupils, and said with the amuseness of a weather reporter:  
"The barrier is a resident program that modified the data surrounding me to let sound and lightwaves pass around me without being disturbed. In science fiction terms, it is a cloaking device. As for my Identity: I am a humanoid interface created by the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. An alien humanoid, if you prefer.  
Would you like me to repeat it again?"  
"No, I get it, I get it. Let's see... you are an alien humanoid, and used a cloaking device. May I know your name, and why you came to see me?"

"The human name chosen for this interface is Nagato Yuki. The reason I have come is that you have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruhi. She has supernatural powers able to create data. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity has the power to modify existing quantum data, but we cannot create data from nothing. That is something that only Suzumiya Haruhi can do."  
"Can you give me a better example?"  
"The black notebook which fell from the sky, the Death Note, was created unconsciously by Suzumiya Haruhi. Apparently she watched too many news and desired there had to be some way to elliminate criminals without the need for a trial. However she did not want to assume the responsibility of killing the said criminals.  
From that desire, the Death Note was created, and you were chosen for this task."

"You mean it's real?"  
"Yes. Additionally, you were the first human who came in contact with the Death Note. So that would make you the owner", she said, giving the note to me. The note had a bookmark on it, with strange signs. "This is impossible! Those were the same signs I saw on the TV! So it was real?"

"Yes. Read the first page of the note."

This was Suzumiya Haruhi's letter, after all.

Kuro Otoharada. Cause of death: Incineration. Otoharada became crazy after losing his job, and coincidentally a three year old newspaper page on his appartment made him think about aliens. Harming none of the hostages, he forces them to draw the following sign on the soccer field of the school, screaming at the end: "I AM HERE!". [Strange Sign] If aliens have actually come to this world, an alien device floating above our planet will shoot him down with a purple colored laser. Otherwise, he will just set himself on fire using gasoline found on the school.

"After that happened, I disguised myself as a Shinigami and appeared to her. She told me that after proving the existence of aliens she did not want to have anything to do with the Death Note, and asked me to erase her memory related to it - so I did. But I had to take care of the alien device she created unconsciously. so I deleted it and rewrote the data of the soccer field; To also cover her from being suspected by the police, I altered the signs to become standard japanese letters, and all the memory which stored the data of the signs and of the purple beam, including human brains. But your memory was kept intact."

"So it was real?"  
She nodded.  
I sat down, and decided to consider it for a while. Everything made sense now. But how would Haruhi acquire such a great power? Ah, nevermind. What is important is that the Death Note is real. However, I still had to test it.  
"I'm going for a walk. Will you come with me, Nagato?" I asked.  
Nagato put on her Shinigami costume (she actually looks cute on it) and crossed the wall of the appartment, hovering in the air.  
My heartbeat increased. I began wondering if this was just a crazy dream. But the Death Note was an opportunity too great to leave it behind.  
"Mom, I'm going for a walk", I said.  
"It looks like it's about to rain, Light. Better take your umbrella."

We stopped at a convenience store. I asked Nagato:  
"So, are there any other means that you can prove me that you're an alien? Do you have any other powers?"  
"I have information about the future."  
"What kind of information?"  
"In 7 minutes with 40 seconds, a woman will be sexually assaulted by a gang. You know the name of the gang leader. Shibumaru Taku. The woman will be able to escape, and Shibumaru will follow her. After 3.654 seconds,  
he will be rolled over by a van, and will die instantly. The angle where his heart will be crushed -"  
"Enough. So, let's put this to test. If I write a different way of death in the Death note, it will happen, right?"  
"Correct."  
"Alright... let's see what I can do..." I said, smirking. "Question. Can ANYTHING happen with the Death Note, being Aliens, espers, or even time travelers?"  
"Correct."  
"Alright...." I said, taking a look at my surroundings. After a few seconds of thinking, I began writing.

A few minutes later, I showed my writings to Nagato. "Is this feasible according to the Death Note?"  
She nodded. So, I only had to wait.

"Hey, sis! What's your name?" said Shibumaru Taku to the girl.  
"No... please... leave me alone! Somebody help!"  
The attempted sexual assault happened just as Nagato had previously described. So that confirmed it, Nagato Yuki was a real alien. But just before Shibumaru Taku was about to get rolled over by the van...

"Taku, look out!" shouted one of his partners.  
Taku ALMOST got rolled down by the van. He stopped. "Whew, that was close!" he said, getting down from his bike.  
And then he walked over a banana peel, and nearly stumbled over a cat that was passing nearby. The cat hissed and jumped, throwing a nearby plant. The plant fell over a loose plank which happened to be over a garbage can. On the other side, there was a can of paint. The can full of paint described a parabolic trayectory, falling on Taku's head and blinding him temporarily. Confused by the hit, he moved to the street, and he was nearly rolled over a passing car. The car then crashed over a lighting post. There was a brief short circuit on the transformer, which caused a temporary malfunction on a nearby crane. The crane then hit a nearby building, making bricks and pieces of concrete fall down 5 centimeters away from Taku. Taku then wiped the remaining paint from his face, and looked at it.

"Whew, that was close."  
And then, the last event written on the Death Note, took place. After 20 seconds, I saw Shibumaru Taku's dead body covered with a huge piano that had seemingly appeared from nowhere.

"It's real... the Death Note is real!"

(Earlier that day, in a nearby building, Asahina Mikuru, an innocent and cute time traveller, was wondering why she had to move that huge piano to the top of the building.)

"Oh, well, orders are orders."

(To be continued...)


End file.
